thoughts of the week

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7.

It was the equinox this week and I’m pretty sure that’s why I had such a bad headache. I think so many young women have turned to the occult because they feel lost and disempowered. I’m personally of two minds about it.

Typical Gemini. I do feel a real affinity with witches, but the 90s will do that to a kid. I used to make spell books how they made old maps- staining paper with tea and burning the edges. Why did they make maps like that in the old days? Do you ever just feel your mood plummet. And it’s just a goner nothing can be done about it? Not til the next day. Moods are so fascinating and powerful. They’re like a filter. And I use instagram enough to know the difference a filter can make (@chelseabirkby know thyselfie) (I actually use VSCO) What comes first- the mood or the bad thoughts? I think it’s the mood. Does that make sense?

I woke up reset. And with the bit in Popstar where Drake says “bitches” stuck in my head.

I got back on my bike for the first time since my accident this summer. I still don’t know if the real trauma was to my teeth or my being. I have a chip on my shoulder and it is more than just the missing bit of enamel. It seems small, but it really knocked me. In that moment I was a very sad and very small little girl. Then a passerby violinist named Clarice came and took me home and Kitty cycled to meet me and I told my friends I loved them for the first time. I still don’t even know how I came off, my hands just weren’t on the handlebars anymore and then neither was I. Sometimes the simplest explanations are the best, like when I had to call my Dad because my phone was stolen. And when he asked how it happened I said “well I had three and a half beers and then I put my phone down and walked away from it. And when I came back it wasn’t there anymore”. Riding the bike was easy. It’s just everything else that is more difficult now. And I mean that. It’s so weird, I’ve injured myself before but this just seemed so major. My bite has changed, I’ve changed. Maybe it’s because it’s such a weird year. I didn’t actually get back on the same bike, that one has bad vibes now so we sold it.

I rode one we acquired when it was left abandoned on middle road, turned on it’s side with several suspicious dusty baggies in the basket. We saw it on the way to dinner on its side in the road and still there when when we came back so we took it home and posted a picture on various community facebook groups and no takers. Well, if someone stops me and says “hey that’s my bike” I can say, “perfect I have been looking for you!”. Alternatively, maybe the police will stop me looking for the dealer and I’ll have to show them this blog to prove my innocence.

Plus coke isn’t my thing anyway. It makes me too like I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH BUT PLAY THE NEXT ONE. I went on such a spree at the book shop that Monzo said “split the bill”. I had reserved two academic texts and then I asked the advisor quietly “do you have that how to be instagram famous book?” and then said “it’s for a friend” and then immediately “it’s not it’s for me”.

Who is art for? The artist or the audience? We play a game where we ask comedians okay, at a GIG who is getting off first- is it you, the audience, or the booker? Most decent people say the audience, some went so far as to say “I can’t get off until they do" I said, oh me first and I mean it. The worst type of person says the booker. But then again, maybe they are the people who make a comfortable living. You absolutely owe it to the audience to be funny, but what you think is funny. In a coaching session with a comedian I admire I said “well I don’t want to convince them I am funny” and she said, “but that is why you’re there”.

Maybe we are all very sad and very small little girls who want to be understood.

Oh, someone told me something really interesting about projection this week.







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