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  • @chelseabirkby

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It’s Dad’s birthday dinner tonight, Dad just retired, he was an estimator. If you don’t know what that means, it means he gives quotes like “life is what happens while you’re making plans” and “freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you”, he’s a very inspiring man. Dad is one of my favourite people. He is also problematic. The last meal we went out for was with Auntie Marion and Uncle Terry at a pub recently bought by a gay couple. Marion said “you have to see the bathrooms, they’re fabulous! But tasteful”. Dad said “what is there just glory holes and... stuff”. The “and stuff” is what made me laugh, that his homophobia ran out at one example. We did speak about this the next day and he definitely plays up being problematic more than he really is, which is it’s own issue. Have you ever won an argument with “STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO BUMMING TOO”.

Mum is much more left wing, but demonstrates this by saying “Salaam alaikum” frequently to anyone.

In lockdown, Mum called me a “wasteman” because I couldn’t identify basil and parsley by the leaf.

I said this on stage at a gig on punts at Cherwell Boathouse to a very fancy audience and after, a lady who was with a man in a white jacket and boaters and “worked in oil”, asked “can you really not tell the difference?”, to which I replied “no” and she said “your Mum was right, you are a wasteman”.

Someone punted by while I was finishing a sophisticated bit about drugs, so I asked him “have you ever done ket”. I got a more a positive write up rom a big reviewer whose last comments on me where “In this section, Birkby tickled herself although that amusement was not widely shared”.

Is that true, is it not? Just don’t google it because it bumps it up the rankings.

Also that competition was called “So You Think You’re Funny” and on that basis alone I should have been crowned champion.





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