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  • @chelseabirkby

18.

Bonne journee! I’m currently 3rd in the emerald league on Duolingo and I’m out of control. I’m so obsessed with that I now only do the lessons with high-scoring points. Those are, without exception, the ones I learn the least from, so now I am spending more time than I planned and yet making far less progress. Who is really winning here? Not Caroline Kemmett in the ruby league I can tell you that for certain!!! Get fucked Caroline Kemmett! Did I tell you about clown school? It was so much more brutal than I'd even prepared for. It was a great privilege of my life.

I think I found my clown.

Philippe assigned costumes to the class after having us come up one-by-one in our red-noses on stage.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend (yes), what does he do (philosophy), do I like him (yes he's the best person I've ever met).

An 'Aww' from him and the class.

He told me he liked my costume (I was wearing my pink trousers), (thank you)

She is nice.

Did you study? (yes, philosophy)

And do you and your boyfriend talk about philosophy before or after you fuck? (Quietly: during it’s more theology)

Class laughs. Philippe looks cross.

Will you have kids? (I... I don’t think so, no)

Aww from him and the class.

A shame.

*Bangs drum*

Baby!

And, as I walk off stage he added 'with a nappy!!!'

How mortifying!

So I had to head to Paris, the chicest city in the world, calling all the clown and costume shops to ask, in frenglish, if they have a baby costume.

"Yes, several, what kind of thing?"

"No, no no. Not a costume for a baby. A baby costume for me, an adult."

I left the costume shop with my 50euro baby costume in hand and went straight to a lingerie shop to achieve some kind of cosmic balance.

On the last day, I did my best show! We needed a prop and I had an idea. “An idiot always has an idea!” I borrowed a friend’s costume gun and knife and hid them in my baby dress. And I saved the show! Four times!!!

He said "We love the embarrassing baby. We like her, no?”

“She has something she is funny" and finally "She is not top top intellectual, but it is enough". That night I drank some 4euro merlot alone then walked along the Seine having EMOTIONS. If anyone would have asked what's wrong I could have just reassured them by wiping away my tears and through red wine lips saying WHAT, NEVER SEEN SOMEONE FIND THEIR CLOWN BEFORE!!! and they'd know I was doing actually better than ever.

I wasn’t so moved because he approved (because on the whole he didn’t and I loved that just as much) I was moved because I think I’d discovered something, and "a clown is always happy to discover". You’re not your costume at clown school, and your clown isn’t your costume. And yet I do think the part of me that wants to 'make an audience laughing' might be a baby, with a knife.

Here are some of my favourite things Philippe Gaulier said:

  • The clown exists because he has a dream. It’s a clown’s dream for the audience to to be laughing, to stand and applause.

  • When you accept you don’t know what you are doing, you are beautiful.

  • We love it when we see your soul, the person you used to be as a child.

  • It’s so good to be an idiot with a pleasure. An idiot with pleasure is enough to have a show. If I show my pleasure, I could be the best star in the world.

  • The clown is an idiot, but he has dignity. Never lose the humanite of the idiot.

  • Be careful, because it is not funny at all.

  • Is this boring or fucking boring?

  • What you did artistically was detestable.

  • Even if I was about to die in a hospital, I would not be happy to meet them.

  • Do we say “yippee I want to see her again” or “NO. I put her in the bin. And the bin is smelly. It smells of fish for 100 years. And she dies in there”

  • IT’S NOT EASY WORKING WITH YOU I PREFER TO TELL YOU NOW!

  • I think it’s better if before you open your mouth – you shut up.

  • Last try and after this either you or I commit suicide.

  • The best present or how is it possible to do a shit like this?

  • Goodbye immediately.





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