thoughts of the week

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  • @chelseabirkby

17.

It’s been a stressful week because I bought a new hairdryer. You know that crushing guilt you get after you buy something expensive.

But my hair looks really nice. I actually care so much about clothes and stuff. This week I wore a pink skirt suit and the top was a novelty one with a bikini on it. I was afraid to wear it to a gig incase people laughed.

I’ve gotten over my stage fright that started after that gig I died the hardest death I’ve ever seen anyone die. I told a friend who doesn’t do comedy this and she said ‘someone died??’ I explained, no I mean like when you have a really awful time on stage and no one laughs.

So – much worse. I’m gonna take 85% of the blame definitely, but also they also just weren’t my crowd. Like there was a giant picture of Winston Churchill up. I brought it there and it was a labour club that was my first bad move. No– it was there already and they didn’t like me at all. When I got back to the car I used my selfie cam to check my contact lenses were still in [after all the crying] [off stage – I am a pro]. My phone auto-captures when it ‘detects a smile’ and took the pic. Thanks Samsung. I am over the stage fright now and it’s been replaced with a psychopathic calm. So that’s good! Oh btw, I’ve rebranded as No More Mr Nice Chelsea. I come on and go 'Are you ready to have a lovely time?' then they woo and I go 'well, bad news cause I'm a real piece of shit!' At a new material night, I told them that, then put my middle fingers up and said ‘FUCK YOU ALL’ to the crowd, then followed up with ‘individually!’.

Then I said I was working on my confidence and as I showed them, accidentally unplugged the mic.

Did I tell you about my very first gig back after lockdown? I was after a local lady who was had wrangled her way on after deciding to try stand up during lockdown. The set was about her losses in that time and ended with a poem about her dog dying. She was still processing her pain, of course. It was also hard for the room. Then...WELCOME TO THE STAGE, CHELSEA BIRKBY!!! Jokes then sort of weren’t appropriate. Nor was addressing it. So then I thought, okay, chat to the crowd!!! Choose someone fun. So I said to the guy in the front row ‘I like you sir, you’ve got a twinkle in your eye’. He said ‘oh, I’ve got conjunctivitis – can you tell?’. Sometimes I find it embarrassing that I’m this age and still try so hard for people to love me: friends, family, strangers, sometimes people I dislike. I think it feels safer for people to love you conditionally, so you can keep meeting that condition and therefore be fine forever? My therapist said “I can think of lots of good reasons to love you for no reason”.

My sister bought me a SAD lamp which is supposed to lift your mood during winter. Things have been a little difficult between us and I miss her and so far the lamp has brought me nothing but sorrow.




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