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  • @chelseabirkby

16.

The hotel I love posted about this blog and then a friend read it and said it was funny. So I’m BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!! I just got back from buying a microwave from a guy on facebook marketplace. If they ever did a broadway show for facebook marketplace it would be called ‘Is This Still Available? The Musical’. It would neither a critical or commercial success but may develop a large cult following in the years to come. Who decides if art is good? I never thought a marketplace would make me miss ‘the peace of eBay’. Anyway, I broke the previous microwave by setting fire to popcorn. I knew it was only a matter of time til that would happen. I’ve got priors.

I’d already promised myself that I would never ever buy microwave popcorn ever again because, hmm, I’d say one in every three times it catches on fire. And there are three in every pack. That's playing with. okay. Honestly how is microwave popcorn legal? The Government must act. I redownloaded Duolingo because being at clown school made me think I should really learn French rather than meekly ask ‘parlez-vous anglais’ and hope I’ve smiled enough for them to not HATE ME. I’ve already spent hundreds of pounds on night classes to have gotten nowhere. ‘Je ne sais pas’. What does that mean? I don’t know. The sudden revival was because I needed something active to distract myself from the memory of how I patted a comedian I admire in the greenroom. Why did I pat them?! I haven’t used the app in four years and it opened up to my ‘friends leaderboard’. Nan was on there.

38XP. I wish she could get more XP.

I immediately wept.

Sorry people on the late-night Oxford to London train, that’s the vibes I’d been dealt that day. And if you saw me go from crying to eating a grab bag of walkers to quietly whispering ‘je suis un garcon’, well, deal with it. Nan would take up fun stuff with me. I remember we both got super into ‘draw my thing’ online. And then we both got harassed purely cause we have female names. In 2016, all you needed to do was be called ‘Pat’ and then that logo that means woman and someone's gonna ask you ‘webcam? Tits?’. Nan kept going on on her own. Duolingo has moved me back to ‘basics’ and with only 100 words or so in my vocab most of the sentences are useful everyday phrases like ‘Tu es un cheval?’,

‘Are you a horse?’. Maybe it’s just what I need to prepare for more clown school.

Btw going to car boot sales is my thing now.

I actually think that’s a great start to a Sunday: Wake up early. Let your lover think you've got big things going on. Make a big coffee in a stylish keep cup (sadly someone informed me my collapsable, pale pink carry cup looks like a fleshlight :-( not as chic as I was hoping, but a powerful move to carry it around like it's nothing). Walk around a carpark (one of the most underrated types of park). Maybe find the best thing in the world. Or if not, the the nations toby jugs. Come home with everything ahead of you. In a big work meeting I said 'my toppest tip'. Should I resign?





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