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  • @chelseabirkby

14.

It’s that time of year when I drink Auntie’s milkshake or my special drink. It is Irish Cream Liqueur off brand) and milk (oat is great).

Actually I am on the real stuff this time- Big bailey’s was on deal, for less than little Bailey’s. And Auntie knows her deals!

Once, when I was drinking and loud, I said “I’m like someone’s drunk aunt” and my friend intervened, and said “Yes, Lily. Your niece Lily’s. You are Lily’s drunk Aunt”.

Mum is new to facebook and shared a clip of my stand up, and I presume an estranged friend, comments “Wow Lynda what a well raised family” and to that Mum replied a loving essay about my mental health, including the line “She has bipolar disorder but doesn’t let it get her down”. Um. That is actually a key part of it. The depression does make me quite down I’d say. Clinically so!

This week, I came downstairs to find my housemates typed just “music” into Youtube, that’s the level of lockdown we’re on.

Linkin Park was the top result, what a world we live in!

It reminded me of when me and boyfriend were first getting together and the morning after a night out I opened my Spotify to find my last search, at 2am, was “sex music”.

I bet it was just Drake.

We got a ‘facts not fear’ Covid-19 leaflet through our door and they’d got some of their points wrong and had to correct them in pen.

It’s a slippery slope from scepticism to conspiracy. I honestly don’t look them up for that reason. I realise how vulnerable I am to influence when I get sucked into the tube and watch a bunch of “my new face" reveals and briefly but seriously consider getting several major facial surgeries.

My housemate dislocated his knee and it was really, really horrible and frightening.

While he was on the floor getting ready to go to A&E I asked if I could film it for my 1SecondEveryday video montage. He came through with an iconic peace sign (subscribe to the newsletter version of this blog for extra content like THIS VIDEO).

Alex pushed his knee back in and Sarah drove to A&E and I…

told the Papa Johns delivery man everything.

Like everyone else in lockdown I've started running.

I did run before, I was training for a half marathon but I didn’t do too well because I took very seriously the advice that rest days were as important as training days.

So I started couch to 5k, and then had to choose my coach for the guided runs. I was going to choose Sarah Millican as coach but thought what if I end up gigging with her and just pavlov’s dog respond to her voice like LEAVE ME ALONE I DON’T WANT TO RUN! Or she calls me up to the stage and I just, on instinct, do a 30 minute loop.

So I chose Jo Wiley.

But, I don’t know what her deal is, because early on she says “I know you’re a couch potato now, or you probably feel like one”

Um I didn’t til you negged me Jo, and made me feel like it was my idea.

But I stuck with it and then later she gets really in your head saying “you’ll want to stop but don’t stop, trust me” and “it might feel difficult but you can do it, listen to me”.

I’m getting suspicious, why is she trying to distance me from my intuition and give her my full trust? Where is this going?

I feel like I’ll get to week five and 20 minutes in she’ll just say “hurt her”, “don’t stop until you see blood” “you’ll want to stop but don’t stop, trust me”. I feel like I’ll get to week five and 20 minutes in she’ll just say “hurt her”, “don’t stop until you see blood” “it might feel difficult but listen to me, you can do it”.

Or maybe she’ll get super sexual and just be like “touch yourself” “trust me”...

“come for daddy”.

I do get achey but always 2 days after. Someone told me it’s Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness or DOMS.

Makes sense with Jo Wiley at the helm, the freak.

It’s been a year since I did a self-timer photoshoot of fake stock photos to use in my signature (I was off work with a mental illness). I have been using them in all comedy emails and invoices for a year now and so far not a single person has commented, but one agent did stop talking to me.

Do you ever have to put subtitles on cause you’re snacking too loud?


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