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11.

It’s ten years since I left sixth form and I just watched our leavers video. Wow, a rocky ride and not just because the score is Lost Prophets. Do you feel like an insider or an outsider? It’s like I always feel like an outsider when I have so much evidence to the contrary- why is that? Is it because I like everyone else listened to Busted then defined as “alternative” for the next 10 years? It’s like how I insist I am an introvert, and my housemates said I am definitely an extrovert, and I said no way- I am going to do an instagram poll. Do I really know my selfie? I recreated photos from The Love Witch today, except instead of it being in a sunny alternate-reality California it was in a rainy mildly-dystopian Oxford. I love to get dressed up and play pretend. This story makes people sad but I stopped playing with Barbies way earlier than I wanted to because of peer pressure. When you’re 5 you don’t want to be babyish, and when you’re 10 you don’t want to be childish. Despite being a child. Why do we not want to be what we are? In year 3 everyone declared Barbies childish and so I just played with them in secret with my best friend Chelsea (yes I had a best friend with the same name as me. We became inseparable from the first day of school age 5 when we realised we had the same name and said “wow, we’re twins”, which is stupid because if you had twins it would be a terrible idea to give them the same. Name. She was known as “Little Chelsea” and I never realised until recently that means I must have been “Big Chelsea”) Chelsea told someone else we’d been playing with them, and the rumour got out. So I packed away my Barbies, and my many horses, and my Barbie mansion (which was the best thing ever with an OPERATING ELEVATOR) and didn’t play with them again.

If you look up "regret” in the dictionary you’ll find Well you’ll find the definition but it will always remind me of that time.

I now really cling to being childish like it is a profound or radical reclamation.

PS. You’re a smelly poo poo head.

So, my job is being make redundant and do you know what this is the first week in a little while now where I don’t think I am depressed. I am not particularly high functioning but the cogs are turning a bit faster and it’s a little easier to do the things I want to do.

I’m still not ready to talk more about BoJack Horseman.

I did a gig in a theatre last night and yet it was the audience who were wearing the masks. Things that make you go Hmmmmmm….


PS. If you like these very important thoughts of the week you can subscribe to the weekly newsletter and never miss a post, PLUS it comes with extra content and a surprise message- this week I'll share the school leaver's video.





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