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  • @chelseabirkby

10.

My laptop battery died without warning and it’s obvious I have had a lot of therapy because I shouted YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS!

Although, perhaps I've not enough therapy to have not yelled it at the laptop. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen, looking out the window, as I noticed a small spider eating a big fly and I was listening to Lana Del Rey and I thought- this is too much.

It’s a weird time right now, I am approaching a fork in the road.

Hey why is a fork in the road- that could cause a puncture!

That reminds me of a theatre in Cambridge I went to as a teen and as you entered from the foyer a sign read “no crockery beyond this point”. I want to know the story behind that. Redundancy is so rude! At least being fired they’re like you’re bad at this, being made redundant is like you are harming the business. And you’re like “but I am trying my best” and they’re like “well, you’re making it worse”. And I work for a cancer charity too. Am I delaying the day all cancers are cured? That's not why I'm there. I'd go as far as to say that's the opposite of why I'm there! To be fair the other day I did say “science doesn’t understand vibes” in a 121 with my manager.

Maybe if I do lose the job I can focus on that. Maybe it’s time to establish Vibe Research UK.

Our mission wouldn't even be to control vibes just to work out what the are and why they're so affected by lighting.

Before I met Hobs on Friday he said “let me know when you’re near” and I said “I’m nearly here”. I have been thinking about that a lot “I’m nearly here”. It feels deep but also makes no sense, like it's something I just can't quite understand which is the exact right amount to make one feel something is properly smart. Hand on your heart can you say Donnie Darko made complete sense?

I feel intense and embarrassing at the moment. This might come as a surprise, but that’s new for me. Celya said I had poet energy. I’d like to disagree but I was crowned my school’s poet laureate in Year 7 due to the sheer amount of poetry I was writing and performing. Uncommissioned. And yes, it was about “the issues” and one where I lost the plot and called terrorists "the biggest A**H****s".

Take that, Bin Laden.

One of my favourite facts of all time is that Charlie Bit My Finger was on Bin Laden's computer.

This is what I mean when I say meme culture is important. I find it painful to tell friends they are very important to you.

By the way if you only know this blog and not my stand up, my comedy is a lot more disciplined and also traditionally good. When you're out, do you wear your facemask in the toilet? It doesn’t feel right and I need to know what everyone else does. I got 8 likes on an instagram post and I don't know what I've done wrong.

Why does 8 likes happen to good people?

It will be a real test of my metle if I delete the selfie.



Here's me at Cheltenham Literary Festival talking about that time popular philosopher and advocate of psychotherapy Alain de Botton, sent this to a reviewer who didn't like his book "I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude." He's like Breakdown Sting "every (career) move you make..." Also, remember Sting was the first person to defund The Police. I think it was following that NWA diss track.

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