thoughts of the week

  • @chelseabirkby

6.2 ~bonus bivisibility day edition ~

It was #bivisibilityday this week and I didn't post. I’ve always and only had long term relationships with boys. I love boys. I’m in love! With a man! With my favourite man.

And I love that he’s a man! A part of me is aggressively hetro. What are your retrograde turn ons? That are 20 years out of date cause you got them from telly you saw as a kid? Mine's power tools. When I see my boyfriend fixing things, Benny Benassi’s ‘Satisfaction’ plays in my head. I feel like it’s so erotic, like do you realise you are doing this publicly?!!

Once, when we started going out, he mid-convo got some shoe polish out of his bag and started shining his shoes and it was outrageous. Another time, on a train platform he got a tool out of his tool kit which he just HAS WITH HIM and adjusted my bike and we just had to carry on our journey?

Today, I saw his white shirts hanging up and felt - and I mean this- soothed. Oh my god. He's all I want, Is that how it's always been? Haven't I always lived a straight life?

My first kiss was with a boy at 14. Except, as my year 7 diary shows, three years earlier “me and Kitty snogged. No tongues NOT a lesbian”, I’m attracted to women, I’ve slept with women, I’ve been something like in love with women. But I am basically publicly straight. And I have been without that changing that when a woman winks I am like can we make this a gif and I will reblog it every day. Or how important a woman in leather trousers is- are you kidding. You know when you zoom in on an insta too many times and you feel like okay should probs just paypal them something at this point. My saved posts are just girls with eyeliner looking moody in their underwear, or in a suit and a bra, smoking, in a folder called “Vibe”. I must be a bad guy cause my type is definitely my type is the girl all the bad guys want. MAYBE THAT’S WHAT BILLIE EILISH WAS SAYING. Also, I love bi celebrity theories (I see you Taylor,). And yes a small part of me wants to be them, but a big part wants to make out with them to 90's nu metal.

Having only had relationships with men, I’ve never “come out", least of all to my family.

I don’t usually gather the folks to tell them about my hook ups or that Christine and the Queens does things to me (5 Dollars vid on repeat), or that the Liv Tyler and Alicia Silverstone in that Aerosmith video was an awakening and thanks for showing it to me, Dad. Although, to be fair, maybe there were tipped off when they got the rolling £3-a-week bill from when I tried to text-to-download Tatu’s ‘All the things she said’ as a monophonic ringtone for my Nokia 3310 and accidentally joined some kind of ringtone scam.

We might have had to just get a new sim in the end. Also, just try and imagine how awful that sounds as a monophonic ringtone.

Music videos are vital to a forming sexuality.

Remember when the girl gets a goth makeover in the Tainted Love video? I think it’s important that we all do remember that.

Also, not a gay thing but makeover montages second only to slow-mo double-guns scenes to rock-n-roll, specially when they go from cross arms to out wide WITH A JUMP.

Okay, anyway that was all unnecessary and yet very important. I'm attracted to more than one gender, I am so comfortable saying that. My reluctance to post on bivisibility day is precisely because that is so invisible in my life. The unease is not shame or that someone has to be bi enough to be bi, it's a fear I am gaining more than I am giving to this community. Do I really get to publicly take that platform? Should I tick bisexual on work diversity forms? Can I profit off this basically invisible part of me?

And likes on an awareness day can feel like profit but sometimes it is more obvious. I once was offered a gig at an incredible queer night after one of the acts saw me and asked “do you identify?”. I don’t know, do I? My invisibility has come with the privilege that I've never had to. Should I start when I get offered a gig, or for the grid? I'd thought about addressing it in my material so I started listing how my bisexuality shapes my actual lifestyle at present and near the top of my list is well, most of the porn I watch is gay! Like, is that helpful? Of all the people I objectify, numero uno is lesbians! That will prove my right to be here! I’m one of you!

Also, can I please have a ticket for my boyfriend.

So I decided to pause taking up space as a performer in LGBTQ+ spaces and, until I had done more thinking about it, be a very happy audience member. And didn't post for bivisibility day. but I did enjoy liking everyone else's. We see you! I don't know! I don't know the answer. Maybe it's not posting on the day but instead waiting til the weekend after and writing 4000 words which if anything is worse cause that's the equivalent of a FOUR pictures photo-set, wow.

Either way, I hope you’re having the best sex in the world with people who are mad about you and most importantly I hope you watch the Charli XCX and Christine and the Queens ‘Gone’ video right. now.

If you read the rest I should explain “I dunno what’s happened wiv Josh”, To explain, Josh was my boyfriend, and clearly I was an excellent girlfriend.

We never actually broke up so I guess we’re still technically together??? Things were never the same after he bought me a yin yang necklace and invited me to go to an all you can eat buffet when we were 11 and it was moving too fast.