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thoughts of the week

  • @chelseabirkby


On Sunday when we woke up I asked Alex if sneezes were caused by our eyes, cause we never sneeze in our sleep. He said no that’s like saying running is caused by your eyes because we never run in our sleep. I still think they have something to do with it though. I was upsold in Mountain Warehouse by the assistant who told me "you deserve the best" and “you have a cool outdoor vibe”. I don't know if I do, I once googled "how do you know if a wasp dislikes you" and "how do you know if a wasp means you harm" before retreating home.

James and I played Red Dead Redemption 2 online and kept shooting UAE_girl as she was trying to go about her missions. The internet is a magical place. Xbox marked us as “hostile”.

Driving North in Scotland, once you get passed Pitlochry there are loads of flat earth signs. Strange for such a mountainous region. At a loch a kid on a bike shouted “I AM THE DEFINITION OF SPEED”. This was endearing but he is probably bullied.

The proprietor of a pub we went to in the Cairngorms was a “character” and by that I mean sexist and homophobic. He performatively said “so this is life in corona times...” while cleaning a table. Umm, actually it’s pretty customary to clean tables in restaurants even before covid.

What’s next washing my hands after I piss? He told us he just flashed an old lady but it’s okay because she had Alzheimer's and wouldn’t remember and also they’re friends. When he brought the card machine over he did a very sexual mime to 'tap, insert, swipe' (three times), and he called James an idiot, dropped the receipt and then said “while I’m down there....”. We gave it a bad review on Happy Cow. But to be fair, did say the choice of vegan pies was great and they were delicious. Two stars.

We were discussing Paddington Bear and Jess asked "how do we know about Paddington ?". Like how did historians discover him? How was his legend passed down through the generations? She clarified, how did Paddington Bear start, as a book or? We swam in three cold lochs which lonely planet did not recommend and facebook users said “rather you than me mate". Apparently cold wild swimming does wonders for your mental health. Jess and I take it step by step, whereas James just runs straight in, I asked him how he does it and he said “clear your mind”. I think having to reach nirvana first would, if anything, make it more difficult.

Also, watch this closely and tell me that doesn't look suspiciously like the loch ness monster...?

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