BLOG | Chelsea Birkby

thoughts of the week

Nov 30, 2020

15.

My fur cardigan is lethal with fluff. Sarah had to consider taking a pirateze. I checked the label- it said Missguided and it was.

Nov 22, 2020

14.

the morning after a night out I opened my Spotify to find my last search, at 2am, was “sex music”. I bet it was just Drake.

Nov 16, 2020

13.

I’m banned from microwave popcorn. Alex says just do it for less time but it’s not less time this microwave is too powerful; it’s the wav...

Nov 8, 2020

12

I wrote one joke this week after hearing the word “schlong”. And it’s “schlong?” more like a "schlort!"

Oct 25, 2020

11.

If you look up "regret” in the dictionary you’ll find Well you’ll find the definition but it will always remind me of that time.

Oct 20, 2020

10.

I am approaching a fork in the road. Hey why is a fork in the road- that could cause a puncture!

Oct 11, 2020

9. World mental health day

I had to ask the photographer “is there a tool to edit the sadness out of my eyes”. He said no, but he'd did put me in black and white

Oct 4, 2020

8.

My colleague commented on my instagram “did you take yourself to a sex hotel?” I said “It’s not a sex hotel! But also yes".

Sep 28, 2020

7.

I used to make spell books like old maps- staining paper with tea and burning the edges. Why did they them like that in the old days?

Sep 25, 2020

6.2 ~bonus bivisibility day edition ~

What are your retrograde turn ons? That are 20 years out of date cause you got them from telly you saw as a kid? Mine is power tools.

Sep 21, 2020

6.1 ~Nostalgia special bonus edition ~

On Sunday I had an emotional hangover from the memories and crucially, the absinthe.

Sep 21, 2020

6.

Modern life is googling the ethics of your preferred brand of houmous And then still eating the humous just feeling disappointed in yourself

Sep 13, 2020

5.

I love art galleries for the first hour. I had to remember not to wear any of PVC trousers because of how noisy they are.

Sep 11, 2020

4

In lockdown, Mum called me a “wasteman” because I couldn’t identify basil and parsley by the leaf.

Sep 7, 2020

3

My housemate said sex is the most vulnerable you can be with another person but then he’s never been to clown school.

Sep 5, 2020

2

On Thursday morning, Mum said “I bought you special breakfast: petit pois” intrigued, I went into the kitchen. It was pains au chocolat.

Aug 30, 2020

1

Once you get passed Pitlochry there are loads of flat earth signs. Strange for such a mountainous region.

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